Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
