Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
