the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
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jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
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If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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