the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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