Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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