i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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