mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
