so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
