she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
