I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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