i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
