also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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