You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
