I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
