Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
