Dude my mom stole all your condoms
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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