if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
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