We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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