ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
