Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
