I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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