On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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