Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My bed smells like the plague
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
