I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit