Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
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When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
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I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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