I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
It's blow job season.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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