i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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