I wish my penis had an off switch
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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