The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
