woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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