y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
