you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
