Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
