I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
