She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
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This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
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Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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