my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
