I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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