Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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