I just threw up on my dentist
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
