I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
