I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
