Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
