i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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