I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
