OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I met the friendliest cop last night
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
