My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
