when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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