her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
