So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
