at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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