I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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