So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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