she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
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You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
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Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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