Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
