she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
