you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
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Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
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You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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